i am still naive without being really naive

∼September 24, 2014∼

I wonder if I scared everybody away with my depressing ass posts yah. It just seems like my main topics nowadays are about stupid relationships.

If I rewind the time a few years back - then hell nah, my blog wouldn't look like this. I wouldn't be talking about guys because they weren't a priority of mine. Somehow it has become like this because I started to take interest. I am not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I used to not care and now I am all jumbled up. It's a good thing because it means things are changing, but it's a bad thing because I don't know how to handle these situations.

I went to a birthday party/weekend a couple of days ago. A friend turned 20(actually he's my friends' little brother, but we're one big group). It was fun because we were all gathered for a celebration. It's been a while since our latest party and everybody is basically loved up in pairs and getting married and whatnot. 

At the party I received a love confession. A genuine one, I suppose. I already knew because the person has told me a couple of times now. Tho very sporadic and in a joking manner. It's always when we're together at parties and he's always sort of tipsy. We never really text because I don't really like to text so much. I must admit that I was taken aback and honestly I don't understand how it's become like this. I am very confused because it's not just the random "I like you because you kind of cute" but it's from someone who's a friend of many years and someone who's sincere. I would know since we're long-time friend and he wouldn't just say it for the kicks. We do have mutual friends and so on.

We have known each other for 7 years and in the past two years he started to like me. Way back he was crushing on my friend. I always liked him, but I never liked him more than a friend. That applies to all my male friends. I don't believe in the friend-zone, but I believe in that instant 'feeling that spark' or 'he be kinda cute' feeling. Everything about him is a surprise because he never liked me as more than a friend, but then all of a sudden it changed in these past few years. Sometimes I feel like people change their view of me because I changed. Both physically and emotionally. The year I got my jaw surgery; people started to notice me more, but at the same time I became more confident which might have made me more appealing. I mean - confidence is hella attractive in both males and females and I did become so much more comfortable in every aspect.

Oh well. We talked in the hallway at the party. He suggested his bedroom, but that's way weird for me. I'd rather have it in a open space. So we sat down and he basically said that he likes me and where do I think we will go from now? He don't know if he is allowed to pressure me because he doesn't feel like I am in the same place as him. He doesn't feel like I am ready to take it to the next step even if he goes all-in in his efforts. He says it's not just about my looks; but everything - my personality, looks(obviously he said), our mutual friends and the general fact that we get along so well.

I told him along these lines: "From the bottom of my heart; when I look at you I feel like I am the weird one. Why don't I like you or why don't I feel the need to be in a relationship with you? You're a great guy and I know that. But the timing of things is just not right. Where I am in life and where you are - it's just not the same. I have yet to try anything. Heck, I have never worked a day in my life. So I am basically a princess of this group(he nodded and agreed lol!). I don't want you to wait for me and I know you haven't. I know you've tried with other girls and I don't mind. You think of me when we're together, but when we're apart we live our separate lives without a second thought of each other. Is that really being in love? Because maybe it's just when you see me that you get riled up. I have a feeling that you like me because I fit into this puzzle of criteria you have set up for your future girlfriend. I am not one-of-a-kind because there are other girls just like me. Please re-consider what you are planning to do because I am not ready to commit right now. I am not saying these things because it's you, but I am just weird. I don't write to guys. I don't got anything going on with anyone. I am just doing me. Trying to make things work."

When I think back, he knew I would answer like that because why would he say that feels like we're not in the same place. Making all these metaphors that I am just stubborn for staying in the same place while he's actively trying to convince me to be with him.

I know, I know. It's ironic and lame how I previously wrote that I wanted a boyfriend and here I have someone who's perfect for me and yet I am not ready? When it's not right, it's not right. I did tell him the truth. I am weird because I am not interested in guys right now. Maybe in a year I will be more ready because by then I am more independent with graduating University. I want to do 'me' before I end up in a 'we'-kind of situation. I admit, I do like the perks and the thought of having a boyfriend, but despite all that - I know I am not ready. Yet. I long for it, but there are many greater things in life.

Obviously I don't want him to wait for me. I know he would probably be the best choice for me. He's from a great family and he's a very loved guy among friends and family. I can totally understand why. Hell, he's even my favorite among my friends. I just wish that things were different. I never saw him as someone I would date. I just don't get that feeling of butterflies. My sister said I am awfully naive for thinking that you have to feel those kind of emotions, but for me - who has not tried those kind of emotions in my adult life - I really want them. My sister says I should just jump into it. Don't over-think it and just do it, but I just cant. I want to, but I just cant. Realistically he's probably the best guy out there for me. I won't have to worry about anything. It's just that I just don't feel like it's the right thing to do. Sister says that when I feel desperate enough, I will probably come running to him. That might be true, but who knows. He might have found a great girl and I might have found a guy myself. You never know about these things. It could be like in the movie
'500 days of Summer'?

I am not the same girl as I was years ago. If he had liked me from the beginning - then I would most certainly have been swayed. Now I have grown, changed and seen a little too much. Timing is truly everything. People might disagree with me on this, but that's how I feel. I don't feel like our pathways meet right now.

My father said to me: "Always find someone who loves you more than you love him", but truthfully - I'd rather find someone who I love so bad that I can't imagine being without them. You always want what you haven't tried eh?

In reality - I am the type of person who can live alone - but at the same time, I am also the type of person who seeks comfort and safety in the night time. I love to sleep next to another person whether it's my mom, dad, sister, friend or whoever. I guess I am trying to figure out why I am the way I am. I just don't understand why I am like this.

I know I am not the only one who's like this or feels the same way, but sometimes it feels like that. It feels like you're the only one going through these thoughts. It's a lonely feeling because nobody seems to understand that there is a reason for why I am the way I am. They just assume things about you when in reality they don't understand. Well, I don't understand either, but believe me. I am want to find out. Till then - please watch out for me. 

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