When in doubt, do nothing

∼February 4, 2014∼



Today I took a nap because I couldn't sleep last night. 
Reason being: I couldn't sleep last night because I felt anxious and I felt out of place.  

Someone asked me why he knows many things about me while I know nothing about him. It's ironic to get told that when I was thinking the other day that I want to be the kind of person who's curious. A kind of person who loves to ask questions. A kind of person who knows what to say and when to say it. 

It's just that... by nature, I am just not very good at asking people. 

Don't get me wrong. I am interested, but I am not sure about what. At the same time I am afraid to pry on their privacy.

It's not that I don't find other people interesting. I just have very little care about their past. I am only interested in the present. I concern about how they are as a person; how I feel when I am around them; how we click when we're together. I thought that it was enough, but I am certainly not blind: I can see an imbalance. In any relationship; whether it's love or friendship; I think it's important to maintain balance. If you're happy, I am happy too. If I give, you give. If you feel this way, I feel that way too. 

I didn't know it was necessary to know every little details about people, but at the same time - I appreciate people who try to get to know me. I am not perfect. I am odd in my own little way. I am impatient. I am slow. I am inexperienced. I have a hard time expressing myself. In essence I feel so young because I know nothing, but at the same time I'm so old because I think I know everything.

What I feel, how I act, what I say - sometimes I have no explanations for them. 

Recently it's been clear to me that I have no idea what I want. I am playing a dangerous game here.
What are my intentions with these people I get acquainted with? What do I want from them and myself? 

My intentions are unclear. It was never a problem before, but now it is. I am not the only one involved anymore. My mind is muddled. My actions are uncertain. I am perplexed with myself because it's frustrating. 

Am I wasting people's time on me and am I wasting my time too? 
I am doubting myself because I don't understand myself.

Today I made a decision to sleep at home instead of at a friend's house. I never sleep over at people's house. So why should I start now? Even if it's so easy for me and I really don't mind, I just don't think it's a good idea to try something new and further confuse myself. I don't like to waste my time with nonsense and I bet others feel the same way. 

Mind's muddled. Intentions are unclear. Actions are contradicting. 
I am doubting and I have no idea what I am doing nowadays. My thoughts are all over the place.

I think I need to let time work it's magic. Sometimes doing nothing is a good thing. It can be a favor towards myself and others. 
I am choosing to do nothing. And to just wait.

When I said I wanted a break from people, I meant new people. When I got home this evening, I decided that I want to focus on one particular relationship because I am feeling comfortable. For many reasons, I am not going to kiss-and-tell this time.

I am curious to see where this relationship takes me.
Please be patient. 

After all, I am merely a human being. 

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