Snuggles & cuddles

∼February 7, 2014∼

Today I woke in someone's arms. It was warm. It was cosy. It was nice. I guess I just felt very comfortable when I woke up to this person.

I think people underestimate the value of feeling comfortable. In my opinion it is by far the biggest compliment you can give to another person. Imagine someone saying: "When I am with you, I feel comfortable. I feel like I can just be myself and I am relaxed." It's a different feeling than feeling good or swell. When you utter those words, you tell something about yourself and you tell something about the person you're with.

It's no surprise that I have been very confused lately. 
In general about what I want and what I don't what.

I am used to be single. I have not thought of committed in such a young age. My own decision. If anything my family would love for me to find someone. But the thought of being so depended to one person scares me. It's scary because what would become of me if I can't function alone?

It's always been on my mindset that unless I want to find someone who loves me more than I do.

Indeed cowardly, but when you shower someone with affection. I will guarantee that you will get it back a thousand-fold.

Don't get me wrong: love should be mutual. I am just afraid to show affection when your reasoning is because you feel good when you're with me. I want someone who's generally wants to be with me despite all my flaws and fits. Someone who's comfortable with those flaws of mine. It's no surprise that I am a fucking loving person and I get infatuated so easy with people. 

I woke up this morning and I had a talk with the guy. So we've been spending a lot of sleeping time at each other's houses. The other night I spent the night at his place after a lot consideration(lots!). 

I am not afraid of things escalating when I stay at his place. It's just a matter of principle that I don't sleep over unless I am sure that this might be something serious. For everybody who knows me. I am the vaguest girl you will ever meet, but I thought: if I gave my all and just took a chance then maybe I will realize things.

So we talked because I said: "this [thing we have] seems very serious when I spend the night at your place." And he then proceeds with: "How do you feel about all of this? Because we've been spending almost every night together."

That is one thing I love about this guy: he's so straight-forward and I just can't help but smile and be happy about. You can't dislike who's so honest because that's just how the person. Also I don't think I could have asked like he did it.

He asked: "Should we continue or stop while it's still fun?" And honestly. I don't want to stop because I love this cuddly relationship, but at the same time I don't want to say that we should try dating because I feel like he's not into me. I can feel it and it makes me sad to try dating someone who's not in love with me.

I say: "I like it, but I am unsure about what it means. What are your thoughts?" And he answers: "I think it's cosy and I do want to continue, but at this moment I don't see any future. We're different."

I feel the same way and it basically sealed the deal. He doesn't see any future with this so that confirms that he's not really into me. While I am actually into him. A lot actually. If it's love I am not sure. Affection, yes. Despite the fact that we don't have many things in common, I still like him. I would probably like him even more if he thought I was his type. 

I guess I am happy that we cleared the air. I am definitely relieved. I still want this cuddly relationship and I didn't feel like I could open up properly because we never cleared the air and he said: "he's not really the type that falls in love because it takes time." He basically closed the option of dating when we first started writing in December so I was confused when the relationship became so cuddly and snuggly all of a sudden (meaning=from this week). 

Now that we have cleared the air. I am so eager to ask him questions because I used to think it would be weird to ask because then he might think wrongly of me. I am so curious and awfully relieved too.

Bottom line, I think we're just gonna continue being snuggly and cuddly. We're not dating so when he gets a gf or if I get involved with someone; naturally we'll stop. I think it's a matter of time for him because he is quite a catch. I would probably be sadden when it stops one day, but before you're anything: you're friends. If that disappears too then it's a shame.

He said something hilarious when I asked why he isn't looking for a gf and he said: "I am. I am looking with flashlights and all. But it sure is dark outside." Witty boy. 

I am not looking for a boyfriend right now, but if it happens. Then it happens. You don't it.

It was around 5:30AM and I ironed his shirt(as being taught), helped him button it and flipped the collar for him. These little moments I appreciate because I think it's probably the closest actions that resembles something I would do with my boyfriend. 

If I happen to fall in love with him. Then I guess I am screwed. 
But for now, I will see what happens. 

We will always have a selfish side in us. Don't wanna commit, but make me commit to you. I don't know what I want, but what do you want? 
Persuade persuade. 

I am only a girl and you know - we're all about those confused feelings. 

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