time can be really cruel..

∼November 20, 2012∼

(because this is a bit heavy I don't expect anyone to understand/comment haha it's a bit emotional and the post is more for me than anyone else)

Two weeks ago I watched some old tapes (yes, old VHS tapes!) of my family. I always say that time passes so quickly and it's a good thing, but after this weekend I have been re-thinking it. I don't want this post to sound like I am searching for the meaning of life because it's not. It's more about the concept of time.

After last weekend I have been thinking somewhat negatively about how casually time just passes by. I'm not talking about how it passes only me, but in generally everybody. It bothers me that I don't seem to notice or feel "time". One day pass and I still feel like I have tons of days left, a week pass and there's still three more to a month, but then a month passes and suddenly I think it's has gone by so quickly. You only realize when time has already passed. You know the feeling of having too much time? You say to yourself: "I can do XX another time because there's tons of time left." *time passes* and it's now: "I wish I had done it when I had more time." I've been thinking hard about this and I guess that's why I am a bit quiet in school and among friends. If we go back to the tapes I saw; my family and I watched old tapes of how my family were. I saw how small and carefree we were once. For some reason I get really happy seeing this videos because I see how much I have grown and changed but at the same time I am just a tad sad.

I look at the videos and I fear how fast time actually goes. My mom says: "It feels like it was just yesterday you kids were this tiny and look at you now". I haven't even felt it! and now I sort of fear it. If I am getting older then my parents/grandparents are getting older too. As the children we tend to forget because it's all about *me, me, me*. In the video it shows how many people who aren't present anymore. On one particular video: it shows my sister in the kitchen with my grandma and the next clip my grandma is no longer there and honestly if I try to think really hard about her I don't really remember her that much. Only fragments of her presence and death. I see my parents getting older, I see my grandparents getting older. When exactly did my parents get so many wrinkles and when did those single gray hairs turn into a lot of gray hairs. It's an odd feeling when you think about how they used be as young as me. For once in my life I hope that time would just move slower or just stop. Time is really cruel because it cares for no people. I used to love the thought of time passing, but now I don't want to see any changes. I specifically say time is cruel because I believe life itself has no meaning. It's us who are the meaning of life so we should make the best out of time we have.

Last week my parents went to Vietnam and I helped them carry their baggage onto the train; maybe it's an Asian thing but we always bring too much stuff/gifts to our families over there. That is not a problem, but it's the fact that they brought too much imo. They are the ones who has to carry it up and down. WE are not there to help them all the way so why did they not think about that? It's a totally different story if I could I drive them directly to the airport, but no.. they are going with the train! It's my parents and grandparents who are going and they brought 4 big suitcases and 4 handheld suitcases. Well, it's too much because they are not young anymore! How they hell are they supposed to carry 4 x 30kg and 4 x 7kg?! It's not that I am irritated that *I* have to help them, but I believe it's too much for their bodies. Shouldn't they have bigger respect for themselves? They have aged which is why I feel that they should take better care of themselves. Even my granddad and dad (who are going to carry the 4 big suitcases) says they are not young anymore. It irritates me so much that they don't think about themselves. Have some respect and consideration to your body. They can't do anything about aging, but at least don't make themselves weaker by doing too much heavy work!

Maybe I am getting a little over-emotional at the moment, but it's been building up for a while.. It didn't only start this weekend, but it's a combination of some events involving my very old and slightly demented neighbor. She has been falling in her apartment because she can't walk properly. Everyday she falls and we help or the ambulance comes. When I walked into her apartment the other day I saw how young she used to be. She had a husband, but now she lives alone in her apartment and she can't even move around in there without any help. There is blood on her carpet everywhere and she can't even clean it up if she happens to bleed (which has happened before). One time I lent her my phone and the only person she called was her sister so I wonder where her children are? I know children leave their parents one day, but you'd think that they would at least make sure their mother is in a safe nursery home where she can get proper care. It really breaks my heart to see this and I have been discussing it with my parents, sister and friends. I've been doing some research and I might call the commune about the possibility of getting her into this nursery home around 200m from our apartment. She visits that place often, but I don't know why she's not just in it. Of course I can't do anything without her consent, but I will keep researching about it because I get so worried about her. Especially in the night and sometimes I have a hard time sleeping because I am afraid she will yell out in the night and I won't be able to hear her. This lady is "only" around 80 and my grandparents are around 70. It's not that far and I can tell she's in a very bad shape which my grandparent luckily aren't. To think that this lady used to be so young and strong and now she's all alone. It truly saddens me. I guess that's what time does to you.

Oh well.. that's all.. What a depressing post really! but hopefully everybody had better days than me!
Watch out for your parents/family etc. We need to take care of our elder as they have been working their whole life and now seems like the time for us young ones to spoil them :-)
sally, x

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